The Train Complainer

Escuse me we have a VIP here

2009-07-07T16:09:00.001-07:00

Mr tough guy with the mega chunky fake gold gangsta ring emblazened with a "$" must be a VIP in disguise. That must be the reason he needs to take up two whole seats on the train from Geelong while little old ladies have to stand.

Not all little old ladies are standing. One is quite comfy and so are her bag and umbrella on the seat next to her. I hope her bag and umbrella didnt pay full price when they only get half a seat each.

Connex staff enjoy free first class travel on VLine

2009-01-21T17:19:00.000-08:00

I scored a lovely hatrick of pubic transport with no air-conditioning this morning. Plus, there were no first class tickets left. I chose to sit in the vestibule instead. There is no room to read a broadsheet in economy. Meanwhile Connex staff enjoy free first class travel on VLine - Lucky them that dont have to use their own trains.

Not so many cops or connex staff on the Warnambool Train

2008-09-24T15:56:00.000-07:00

This morning I am trying something different - working from home from 6:30 til 7:30 and then catching the 8:08 from Warnambool which I can prebook a first class seat so that I can be guaranteed a spot with a tray table to rest my laptop.

When i went to pick up my reservation however i found that the guy on the vline booking number had actually put me down for a one way fare as well as a seat reservation. Luckily the bloke at north geelong cancelled it and gave me a another.

This was lucky because they had run out last week.

I have noticed that there are not any police officers or connex staff taking up the first class carriage on the warnambool train. I certainly dont mind sharing the carriage with the police - it was quite reassuring the day that there was a seige with a guy brandishing an imitation firearm.

come to think of it - that was actually a warnambool service.

Escalator Disgustingness

2008-09-22T14:11:00.000-07:00

To the woman clipping her fingernails on the escalators at Parliament Station - you are gross.

Also - well done to to the connex ticket inspectors yesterday who were not standing in my way for once. Thank you. Is it too much to ask?

Aaargh it's Showtime!

2008-09-21T23:35:00.001-07:00

It's showtime and the train is packed with kids and showbags. Help! And what's worse is that I dont have a showbag. I want a Bertie Beatle Goddammit - and rainbow sparkly wig and an inflatable hammer - and some fricken Wizz Fizz. I think the guy on the floor beside me has train rage

Blogging from the train

2008-09-15T23:46:00.000-07:00

This is my first time blogging directly from the train. I have just picked up an EeePC Notebook and an Optus wireless 3G USB modem starter pack. I have gone for the pre paid option to check it out before committing.

This morning i didnt get online until i was almost at Lara but after that it was pretty good. A little slow over the virtual network to my office files and email but basic web surfing was OK. Not fantastic but OK.

sitting in first class there was heaps of room but this arvo on the VLocity the seats are too close together to type comfortably - so i will sign off. Happy to have a seat.

This V-Line is much better than V/Line

2008-09-12T18:43:00.000-07:00

I found these guys while looking for video of overcrowded V/Line trains. They are dancing a V-Line which looks like much more fun way to commute from Geelong to Melbourne. It would be pretty tiring though and would take about a week.

Secret Seats

2008-09-12T01:38:00.000-07:00

This is my favourite spot if there arent many spots on the floor to sit. It is no good if you are 6 feet tall for example - but perfect for me.

Cars vs Trains: Geelong to Melbourne

2008-09-09T21:22:00.000-07:00

This video reaffirms my choice to use public transport. An hour sitting on the floor is still better than driving.

http://www.geelongadvertiser.com.au/extras/video/carvtrains/index.html

How to identify inconsiderate personal space hogs

2008-09-09T17:17:00.000-07:00

I hate inconsiderate people who invade my personal space unnecessarily like the woman I sat next to this morning. She kept elbowing me while reading her paper. Let me get this clear though she was crossing the invisible line between the seats.

I ALWAYS stay well within my space and NEVER cross over. I think it is only polite. I need to come up with a system for identifying and avoiding these types of passengers.

First of all there are different types of hogs:

The Spreader: you know the type, guys who have to spread their legs as far apart as possible just to show us how butch they are. Look, unless you have a fricken hernia the size of a grapefruit keep you legs together mate.
The Blocker: these are the people who try to prevent other people sitting next to them. Some blockers do this by simply sitting in the aisle seat, (although this isnt always a blocking tactic:see my post on getting a seat on the 4:40) but usually blockers use their bags to save a seat for their imaginary friend. Most annoying are the Blocker's who humph and puff when you ask them if they would mind moving their bag.
The Chicken Tonight: it's all about the elbows. I dont care if you are reading a tabloid or a broadsheet, dont elbow me. It can be done - it takes some practise but you can read a broadsheet newspaper and stay on your side on the invisible line. Ditto for knitting - Knitting Chickens are the worst because the poking is incessant.

Spreaders, Blockers and Chickens Tonighters are all pretty easy to spot. My favourite way to avoid them is to pick someone reading a novel. They are more likely to be regular travellers with advanced train etiquette.

Things that gross me out on public transport

2008-09-09T17:11:00.000-07:00

What are those ear disk ring hole things called? You know what I mean, those freak hole in the ear things - I hate them! But i can't help myself from staring at them. I am all for creative expression through body modification but surely you ears just keep stretching over time until there will be a whole generation of seniors with earring things the size of hula hoops.

How to get a seat on the Four-Forty

2008-09-09T17:08:00.000-07:00

Trains between Geelong and Melbourne have gotten so bad that people push in front of each other at North Geelong just to get a place on the floor to sit.So it is great news that Geelong’s busiest peak train services will now have an extra carriage but there are usually more than 80 people standing and sitting on the floor during these services. So the trains will still be overcrowded.

The glossy brochure advertising the new carriages brag about the extra 80 comfy seats. Please, you guys are selling yourselves short by not counting the luggage racks which are quite comfortable and are prime positions that usually get snapped up quickly. You can squeeze 4 people in the luggage area. But I suppose 84 new seats is better than nothing I suppose.

Last week I managed to score a seat on the always over-crowded 4:40 pm express service from Southern Cross. Getting a seat sounds like random piece of luck, no let me tell you there is a science to it. I will tell you how it is done.

First of all, you need to arrive at the station about 4:10, 30 minutes prior to departure. The train should be waiting at platform 4 with the doors locked. There will already be little queues of people waiting by each door. I prefer to choose a queue that is away from the main concourse because these queues will become huge by the time you can finally board, ditto the doors at the far end near the escalators.

There is every chance though that the train will be awaiting half its carriages. In this case, and this is very important, you need to make your way to the mezzanine level of the station and notify the friendly staff of the LoCo Bar which drink you require. Glasses of wine start from $6, and there is a good range of beers on tap. Carriages take at least 10 minutes to maneuver into place so you can relax and take a seat on the balcony.

From this vantage point you can wave, say cheers and wave your glass at the really good-but-slightly-scary-looking young evangelical bloke that likes to stand on a milk crate next to the MX stand preaching eternal damnation to everyone that wont we saved. Note that “God hates luke-warm Christians” – that was my favourite pearler from last week.

Now you can relax and watch the un-saved masses streaming past while you enjoy your drink. You should now be feeling a little more relaxed and can make you way back to your favourite door queue, which I must explain is more of a seemingly un-ordered huddle than an orderly queue.

When the doors finally do open you must be quick. Shuffle quickly towards the door making sure not to push infront of anyone but also passively Shepherding or blocking anyone that tries to push in front of you. Now you are onboard, don’t just take the first seat you come to. Go all the way in to the centre and claim your prize. If you’re lucky you will get a forward facing double. All the seats will be filled pretty quickly.

If you have taken an aisle seat with a vacant window seat next to you, it is polite to make eye contact with people as all free spaces become scarce so you can offer to move out so they can squeeze in beside you.So off you go. The only problem is at North Melbourne when even more people pile in, including half a dozen seniors or pregnant women. You should then be giving up your seat to them, which of course I always gladly do. Although I must admit that the obesity epidemic combined with the current trend for tight fitting clothes for plus-sized women does leave me in a dilemma.

The other day I think there was a pregnant person who had to stand but I wasnt sure whether she was pregnant or just had a belly. Should I have yelled out down the carriage and risk embarassing her or should I have signalled at her and risk her thinking I am scary flirt. Instead I just put my headphones in and changed the song hoping she would ask for a seat if she wanted one, except she didnt ask and the further we went the more I thought she probably was pregnant and not fat because her face was not a fat face. But she was easily 40 plus - but everyone has babies later these days.

Aaargh! This is why we need more seats, so I dont have to contemplate other peoples bellies and wrinkles to try and determine who I should be giving my seat to. Of course if chivalry was not dead I would be giving up my seat for every woman and I wouldnt need to think about those sorts of things. Am I alone what should I do?