The glossy brochure advertising the new carriages brag about the extra 80 comfy seats. Please, you guys are selling yourselves short by not counting the luggage racks which are quite comfortable and are prime positions that usually get snapped up quickly. You can squeeze 4 people in the luggage area. But I suppose 84 new seats is better than nothing I suppose.
Last week I managed to score a seat on the always over-crowded 4:40 pm express service from Southern Cross. Getting a seat sounds like random piece of luck, no let me tell you there is a science to it. I will tell you how it is done.
First of all, you need to arrive at the station about 4:10, 30 minutes prior to departure. The train should be waiting at platform 4 with the doors locked. There will already be little queues of people waiting by each door. I prefer to choose a queue that is away from the main concourse because these queues will become huge by the time you can finally board, ditto the doors at the far end near the escalators.
There is every chance though that the train will be awaiting half its carriages. In this case, and this is very important, you need to make your way to the mezzanine level of the station and notify the friendly staff of the LoCo Bar which drink you require. Glasses of wine start from $6, and there is a good range of beers on tap. Carriages take at least 10 minutes to maneuver into place so you can relax and take a seat on the balcony.
From this vantage point you can wave, say cheers and wave your glass at the really good-but-slightly-scary-looking young evangelical bloke that likes to stand on a milk crate next to the MX stand preaching eternal damnation to everyone that wont we saved. Note that “God hates luke-warm Christians” – that was my favourite pearler from last week.
Now you can relax and watch the un-saved masses streaming past while you enjoy your drink. You should now be feeling a little more relaxed and can make you way back to your favourite door queue, which I must explain is more of a seemingly un-ordered huddle than an orderly queue.
When the doors finally do open you must be quick. Shuffle quickly towards the door making sure not to push infront of anyone but also passively Shepherding or blocking anyone that tries to push in front of you. Now you are onboard, don’t just take the first seat you come to. Go all the way in to the centre and claim your prize. If you’re lucky you will get a forward facing double. All the seats will be filled pretty quickly.
If you have taken an aisle seat with a vacant window seat next to you, it is polite to make eye contact with people as all free spaces become scarce so you can offer to move out so they can squeeze in beside you.So off you go. The only problem is at North Melbourne when even more people pile in, including half a dozen seniors or pregnant women. You should then be giving up your seat to them, which of course I always gladly do. Although I must admit that the obesity epidemic combined with the current trend for tight fitting clothes for plus-sized women does leave me in a dilemma.
The other day I think there was a pregnant person who had to stand but I wasnt sure whether she was pregnant or just had a belly. Should I have yelled out down the carriage and risk embarassing her or should I have signalled at her and risk her thinking I am scary flirt. Instead I just put my headphones in and changed the song hoping she would ask for a seat if she wanted one, except she didnt ask and the further we went the more I thought she probably was pregnant and not fat because her face was not a fat face. But she was easily 40 plus - but everyone has babies later these days.
Aaargh! This is why we need more seats, so I dont have to contemplate other peoples bellies and wrinkles to try and determine who I should be giving my seat to. Of course if chivalry was not dead I would be giving up my seat for every woman and I wouldnt need to think about those sorts of things. Am I alone what should I do?
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